Anxiety

Anxiety is like a crippling fear that can paralyze you with its deep poisonous tentacles. it grabs on so tightly that it cannot be shaken loose no matter how hard you struggle. Once you become entwined in the negative emotions it becomes impossible to lose the feelings of dread. Unable to function due to severe hesitation, pacing the room wearing out a mental trench in your mind. Nothing gets accomplished and nothing moves either forward or backward. Your stomach is in knots and your mind in a scattered chaos. What does it take to break this cycle of evil? I would almost welcome the return of melancholia except that it remains a staple with the rest of the mixture. What is it that is so terrifying that has triggered this? Fears of aging and being alone, unable to finish my life's work. I have become so susceptible to these triggers that it's difficult not to succumb to them at the slightest thought.

Darkness

Here I am at the same point I've been what seems like a thousand times before. The darkness has settled in around me and I have no weapons to fight it off. I don't know why I keep ending up here. I take pills to try and make myself happy, attend my ritual head shrinking, but yet it always fades off. Then I let the pills fall from my fingers into the abyss and the talking fades into the background, and here I am.

Identity Theft

I used to know who I was, at least I thought I knew. We probably really never know ourselves as well as we think we do. I don't know if others around know either. Maybe if you took everyone's description and created a police sketch of all the different ideas you might scratch the surface. I realized that since I moved recently that I may have lost my identity. It didn't just happen with the move, although this was the culmination of it. I guess it's been fading for some time. I remember being a well respected flight nurse with the knowledge and skill to stabilize a critical patient and save lives. I was a firefighter that could help save a burning structure or extricate someone from a mangled car. I really don't know who I am anymore. 

GRIEVE

There's no time to cry, I have too much to do. I shed a tear then move on, but I don't go anywhere. I just sit with my sadness in my hands, staring at nothing. The nothing grows, but something never does. The something is what I'm missing, although even if I had it I would not feel it. All my sensations have been muted. All that is, except for sadness. It's unbelievable how someone who feels almost nothing can get such an overpowering wave of pain and sorrow. Guilt that things weren't said or more love was shown. But now I do the same thing. I don't show feeling, there isn't any to show. I'm annoyed and angry, disappointed at what I've become, or what I haven't. Everything gets on my nerves. I've reached a point of misery from which there seems no escape. I don't even know what I would do if there were. I can't go back to being happy when there's so much sadness to feel. What will I do to mourn the ones I've lost. I'm not allowed to be content any more. I have to suffer as my penance. Maybe I got too happy at one point. Things were going too well. The balance of the world was off so I had to make a sacrifice. I had to give up everything good. The darkness is my new home.

Drive

Tires turn over on the road

A road to nowhere

Leaving traces no one sees

The pieces gone

Gone are the remnants

Of a life gone past

Stories no one will read

Trails never followed

Follow the dream

That sours as it ends

Wake to a new path

Down a different road

A road not travelled

But warn with use

A place it goes

Does not exist

Exist in the now

Forgotten in a day

None can remember

Why we left at all

NEW YEAR / OLD ME

Even though we have entered a new year, we are only hours away from the previous. There was no magical switch or worm hole that has rocketed us into a new era with all our previous problems and issues erased. Life is a continuous minute by minute, day by day process. However, this is the time that we often take stock and review what has happened the past year. Remembering the good and the bad, happiness and sorrow. I don't want those things taken away, not even the most painful. Those are the memories that have shaped who I am and how I think. The loss of both my parents in 2013 was one of the most difficult things I have gone through in life. I miss them horribly and will take everything I've experienced with them into the new year and beyond. I will also hold onto all the wonderful things from this year as well. Even if they occurred for just a moment. I will continue to learn, love, heal, and even continue to feel pain. Most of all I will progress and grow.  At the end of this year when I take stock, I can look back and see how the times I have yet to experience will continue to mold me into the person I am to be.

Days & Nights

Days you don’t understand

Filled with mixed signals and emotion

Mornings you fear the day

And nights you fear more

Trying to make sense

Of jumbled wires and connections

Puzzled beyond solutions

Pain with every thought

Stop asking why

No one can tell you

You can’t tell yourself

No answer exists

Light to dark to light again

Time is escaping

Staring flatly at the clock

With defeat

Why can’t it make sense

At least a little

This may be tolerable

If I new what it’s for