Sunday, February 19, 2017

Identity Theft

I used to know who I was, at least I thought I knew. We probably really never know ourselves as well as we think we do. I don't know if others around know either. Maybe if you took everyone's description and created a police sketch of all the different ideas you might scratch the surface. I realized that since I moved recently that I may have lost my identity. It didn't just happen with the move, although this was the culmination of it. I guess it's been fading for some time. I remember being a well respected flight nurse with the knowledge and skill to stabilize a critical patient and save lives. I was a firefighter that could help save a burning structure or extricate someone from a mangled car. I really don't know who I am anymore. 

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

GRIEVE

There's no time to cry, I have too much to do. I shed a tear then move on, but I don't go anywhere. I just sit with my sadness in my hands, staring at nothing. The nothing grows, but something never does. The something is what I'm missing, although even if I had it I would not feel it. All my sensations have been muted. All that is, except for sadness. It's unbelievable how someone who feels almost nothing can get such an overpowering wave of pain and sorrow. Guilt that things weren't said or more love was shown. But now I do the same thing. I don't show feeling, there isn't any to show. I'm annoyed and angry, disappointed at what I've become, or what I haven't. Everything gets on my nerves. I've reached a point of misery from which there seems no escape. I don't even know what I would do if there were. I can't go back to being happy when there's so much sadness to feel. What will I do to mourn the ones I've lost. I'm not allowed to be content any more. I have to suffer as my penance. Maybe I got too happy at one point. Things were going too well. The balance of the world was off so I had to make a sacrifice. I had to give up everything good. The darkness is my new home.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Drive

Tires turn over on the road
A road to nowhere
Leaving traces no one sees
The pieces gone

Gone are the remnants
Of a life gone past
Stories no one will read
Trails never followed

Follow the dream
That sours as it ends
Wake to a new path
Down a different road

A road not travelled
But warn with use
A place it goes
Does not exist

Exist in the now
Forgotten in a day
None can remember

Why we left at all

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

NEW YEAR / OLD ME

Even though we have entered a new year, we are only hours away from the previous. There was no magical switch or worm hole that has rocketed us into a new era with all our previous problems and issues erased. Life is a continuous minute by minute, day by day process. However, this is the time that we often take stock and review what has happened the past year. Remembering the good and the bad, happiness and sorrow. I don't want those things taken away, not even the most painful. Those are the memories that have shaped who I am and how I think. The loss of both my parents in 2013 was one of the most difficult things I have gone through in life. I miss them horribly and will take everything I've experienced with them into the new year and beyond. I will also hold onto all the wonderful things from this year as well. Even if they occurred for just a moment. I will continue to learn, love, heal, and even continue to feel pain. Most of all I will progress and grow.  At the end of this year when I take stock, I can look back and see how the times I have yet to experience will continue to mold me into the person I am to be.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Days & Nights


Days you don’t understand
Filled with mixed signals and emotion
Mornings you fear the day
And nights you fear more

Trying to make sense
Of jumbled wires and connections
Puzzled beyond solutions
Pain with every thought

Stop asking why
No one can tell you
You can’t tell yourself
No answer exists

Light to dark to light again
Time is escaping
Staring flatly at the clock
With defeat

Why can’t it make sense
At least a little
This may be tolerable
If I new what it’s for

Friday, May 24, 2013

WHETHER

Whether or not it will cooperate
The weather, its tethered
To my mind, there I find
It's all changed, rearranged
Back and forth from the extreme
To the mild, my mood
Seems to follow, like a feather
In the gust, yet I lust
For a peek behind the clouds
The illumination hides
Like a tacit secret it must
Be revealed to my insight
Nowhere in sight, but I fight
To crack the code, but whether
It is possible, I'm buried
In the nether, deep under earth
What it's worth, no one knows
And so it goes, like the weather
I'm just tethered

Monday, May 13, 2013

TEN YEARS PAST


How can it be ten years past
All the times, I thought they would last

I was younger a time, waiting for life
Thinking eternal, chances were rife
The angst of youth, kept me at bay
The wrong things to do, forget what to say 

Rising too high, a trip to planes
Faces put on and the things I feigned
Wanting to fall, maybe in love
To far up to fall from above

Waiting to have it, I already did
Beneath layers of life is where I hid
I carried it with me all along
The paths I’ve taken had been wrong

Why didn’t I see it ten years ago?
I’ve been here waiting for myself to let go
Kept waiting for the changes to come
So Tired of being angry and numb

I’ll travel to there and stop over here
Keep running into all that I fear
Another drink will pass the night
But merely enhances the inner fight

Lost in the song, can move the mind
Deep in the lyrics is where I can find
Some meaning to follow something to guide
Ends up being somewhere else to hide

The learning comes, new places to tap
Won’t stand out here, can’t take the rap
Too many here to remember the names
The ones close by still handing the blame

Let me sleep on it, start it tomorrow
Within the out, some things I’ll borrow
Get up, get out, nothing has changed
Let down, let in, not rearranged