NOT TO BE ME

I don't want to be me anymore, maybe someone else. I'm not sure who and I'm not certain that I care. I could be somebody that I envy, a guy who has everything I've always wanted. All the qualities I'm attracted to. I could be more motivated, more together. Not so scattered. A focused mind versus distracted, calm as opposed to frantic. Not to even mention the physical appearance....

Then again I could be someone in worse shape, one in true suffering, destitute and forlorn.  Perhaps that would make me appreciate my own life more. How about a monk who has come to peace with the lack of outside forces. One with the spirit, totally at peace with myself. Enlightenment!

But I am me, and regardless of my magical thinking, I doubt I have the power to change that. I wish I could say that it's ok, but for now it isn't. I have not reached acceptance yet, nor am I at peace. Not to say that I am totally miserable, but I have a long way to go. So in reality I guess I am changing who I am.

HURDLE

The pistol echoes around the circle of spectators following a commanding READY, SET! Lean bodies lunge forward in a concentrated, well-planned stride. As their speed approaches sonic the first obstacle appears. An L-shaped hurdle with a brightly colored bar. The athlete leaps forward like a gazelle, the only hint to the bar is the wind he creates. As he begins his decent the last part of him to glide over caresses the hurdle and it falls as if in slow motion. It strikes the ground with barely a sound, but he knows he has failed.

         Like the athlete, my stride is often complicated by the nuisance of the proverbial hurdle. Although there is no time to train for these events, they materialize with little warning or clue. From such a low starting point, the jump seems futile. Even if I attempted it, not only would the hurdle be toppled, but I would be wounded in the venture. It’s not like the hurdles are placed in an orderly fashion where one could plan the next jump. They are random and of different heights and weights. Only if you strengthen yourself through past experiences can you make the jump. Anticipation of the next one can be a deadly strategy, setting yourself up for failure through worry and a defeatest stance.

         Each catch of the foot or banging of the shin leaves a bruise or abrasion of learning. The hurdles will continue to form on the track of infinitum which is life. Ready, set…