Disclaimer:

Although the beginning entries may be dark and wrought with despair, keep in mind it is only the start of my journey. There will be tears, smiles, and eventually laughter. Feel free to join me on a painful but very real expedition through my mind.

The sun is shining on a cool spring morning

I struggle to feel the warmth on my soul

But the cloud that covers me like a death shroud

Allows it no entry into my darkness

There is a bright glimmering blue

The eyes of an angel watching over me

I beg for an embrace of warmth and touch

But I receive only a caress

The solace I seek is far from reality

Loved and held by others but not by me

My outstretched arms are tired

There is not enough strength to hold myself

Tears form and fall onto despair

Like a bloodletting of my heart

They provide no comfort only wither me

My shield is thin and worn

Despair is a weight heavier than any can take

It does not let you breathe or rest

No one can lift it for you and nor can you

It must dissipate through time

Time that goes like mad in times of joy

Causes madness in the long hours

Forward or backward anywhere but here and now

The present is unbearable

The Unsettled Mind

I don't even know where to begin, mostly it is because I am paralyzed. Held in place by emotions that won't release their grip. They steal my breath and crush my soul like a weight on my chest. I've cried more tears in the past month than I think I did as a child. Tears that have clouded my vision and made it nearly impossible to start chipping away at the pain. There is no worse fear than to believe that you will be like this forever and nothing will lift you from the cavern of darkness. It might be easier if I had a reason, one stupid situation I could remedy, but there is no one thing. There isn't even a list I could review to make changes and start climbing. There is no flight for this spirit right now, no calming for the unsettled mind.