Identity Theft

I used to know who I was, at least I thought I knew. We probably really never know ourselves as well as we think we do. I don't know if others around know either. Maybe if you took everyone's description and created a police sketch of all the different ideas you might scratch the surface. I realized that since I moved recently that I may have lost my identity. It didn't just happen with the move, although this was the culmination of it. I guess it's been fading for some time. I remember being a well respected flight nurse with the knowledge and skill to stabilize a critical patient and save lives. I was a firefighter that could help save a burning structure or extricate someone from a mangled car. I really don't know who I am anymore. 

GRIEVE

There's no time to cry, I have too much to do. I shed a tear then move on, but I don't go anywhere. I just sit with my sadness in my hands, staring at nothing. The nothing grows, but something never does. The something is what I'm missing, although even if I had it I would not feel it. All my sensations have been muted. All that is, except for sadness. It's unbelievable how someone who feels almost nothing can get such an overpowering wave of pain and sorrow. Guilt that things weren't said or more love was shown. But now I do the same thing. I don't show feeling, there isn't any to show. I'm annoyed and angry, disappointed at what I've become, or what I haven't. Everything gets on my nerves. I've reached a point of misery from which there seems no escape. I don't even know what I would do if there were. I can't go back to being happy when there's so much sadness to feel. What will I do to mourn the ones I've lost. I'm not allowed to be content any more. I have to suffer as my penance. Maybe I got too happy at one point. Things were going too well. The balance of the world was off so I had to make a sacrifice. I had to give up everything good. The darkness is my new home.

Drive

Tires turn over on the road

A road to nowhere

Leaving traces no one sees

The pieces gone

Gone are the remnants

Of a life gone past

Stories no one will read

Trails never followed

Follow the dream

That sours as it ends

Wake to a new path

Down a different road

A road not travelled

But warn with use

A place it goes

Does not exist

Exist in the now

Forgotten in a day

None can remember

Why we left at all

NEW YEAR / OLD ME

Even though we have entered a new year, we are only hours away from the previous. There was no magical switch or worm hole that has rocketed us into a new era with all our previous problems and issues erased. Life is a continuous minute by minute, day by day process. However, this is the time that we often take stock and review what has happened the past year. Remembering the good and the bad, happiness and sorrow. I don't want those things taken away, not even the most painful. Those are the memories that have shaped who I am and how I think. The loss of both my parents in 2013 was one of the most difficult things I have gone through in life. I miss them horribly and will take everything I've experienced with them into the new year and beyond. I will also hold onto all the wonderful things from this year as well. Even if they occurred for just a moment. I will continue to learn, love, heal, and even continue to feel pain. Most of all I will progress and grow.  At the end of this year when I take stock, I can look back and see how the times I have yet to experience will continue to mold me into the person I am to be.

Days & Nights

Days you don’t understand

Filled with mixed signals and emotion

Mornings you fear the day

And nights you fear more

Trying to make sense

Of jumbled wires and connections

Puzzled beyond solutions

Pain with every thought

Stop asking why

No one can tell you

You can’t tell yourself

No answer exists

Light to dark to light again

Time is escaping

Staring flatly at the clock

With defeat

Why can’t it make sense

At least a little

This may be tolerable

If I new what it’s for

WHETHER

Whether or not it will cooperate
The weather, its tethered
To my mind, there I find
It's all changed, rearranged
Back and forth from the extreme
To the mild, my mood
Seems to follow, like a feather
In the gust, yet I lust
For a peek behind the clouds
The illumination hides
Like a tacit secret it must
Be revealed to my insight
Nowhere in sight, but I fight
To crack the code, but whether
It is possible, I'm buried
In the nether, deep under earth
What it's worth, no one knows
And so it goes, like the weather
I'm just tethered

TEN YEARS PAST

How can it be ten years past

All the times, I thought they would last

I was younger a time, waiting for life

Thinking eternal, chances were rife

The angst of youth, kept me at bay

The wrong things to do, forget what to say 

Rising too high, a trip to planes

Faces put on and the things I feigned

Wanting to fall, maybe in love

To far up to fall from above

Waiting to have it, I already did

Beneath layers of life is where I hid

I carried it with me all along

The paths I’ve taken had been wrong

Why didn’t I see it ten years ago?

I’ve been here waiting for myself to let go
Kept waiting for the changes to come

So Tired of being angry and numb

I’ll travel to there and stop over here

Keep running into all that I fear

Another drink will pass the night

But merely enhances the inner fight

Lost in the song, can move the mind

Deep in the lyrics is where I can find

Some meaning to follow something to guide

Ends up being somewhere else to hide

The learning comes, new places to tap

Won’t stand out here, can’t take the rap

Too many here to remember the names

The ones close by still handing the blame

Let me sleep on it, start it tomorrow

Within the out, some things I’ll borrow

Get up, get out, nothing has changed

Let down, let in, not rearranged